Back to School
by Authoressinhiding
Summary: Complete Due to Frodo's reoccuring mental illness, the Fellowship is sent to current day times to put him in a home for mentally disturbed people, as Manwe just couldn't take it any more.
1. In Which TP Visits the Counselor

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything written or imagined by Tolkien. I'm not that lucky.**

**Author's Note: If this story confuses you at first, check out "American Pie" by this same authoress.**

T. P. Schwartz was suspended for over a month and lost most of his friends due to his "prank." When he finally returned to school, however, his crush on Ms. Javenson had not diminished. If anything, it had increased, and he was determined to make her see his love. Jayde was equally determined to put Thomas in his place.

She punished him in several ways. To begin with, he was demoted from saxophone section leader and placed in last chair. Because of his plan, the whole band had a week's worth of detention. They did not look on him kindly after that. Most band members shunned T. P. Depressed beyond belief, he contemplated suicide. He drew pictures of people shooting up the school. One day, his section leader found them and reported it to Jayde.

"Miss Javenson, I'm worried about Tom," began the girl nervously.

"How come?" asked Jayde, busy checking the hats. More were gone than were members in band. Some one had two, or had lost theirs, and gotten another. A few someones, by the looks of it. She was distracted.

"Well," continued the saxophonist, "look at these." She silently passed Jayde the drawings.

"Oh, dear." Jayde bit her lip worriedly. "Thanks for showing me these, Carmen. I will do something about this. Amy!"

"Yes?" the band council president came running in Jayde's office.

"Watch the band while I go to the office."

"Ok."

Jayde swept out along the hall. They were getting a new principal, counselor, and several new teachers today. In no time at all, she had arrived at the office.

"Is the counselor busy?" she asked the secretary.

"No. T. P. again?" The young woman's eyes twinkled.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I'll send him up here."

"Fine by me," said the secretary.

Jayde walked down the corridor sadly. T. P. was causing problems, again. Perhaps he should be expelled or kicked out of band. No, band was the only thing keeping Thomas sane. That, at least, was obvious.

A few minutes later, after Jayde returned and took over from Amy, a voice came over the intercom. It was calm and cool.

'Would Mr. Thomas Payne Schwarz please report to the office?"

T. P. looked worried but go up, put down his saxophone, and left the band room. The other students looked at each other and at their teacher. What in the world was going on?

Dread swelled in T. P.'s heart as he opened the door to the counselor's office, but it vanished as he saw the new counselor. He was tall with long golden hair in a ponytail and green eyes. A nameplate saying "Mr. Greenleaf" sat on the desk, but that was the only standard thing in the room. The chairs were beautifully hand-carved, and the walls were blue. Not bright blue, but a softer, older blue. It looked nothing like it used to, all new, bright and cold. Mr. Greenleaf's office was older-looking, and it somehow made him more real and less frightening.

Mr. Greenleaf turned to T. P.

He sighed, then spoke, "It has come to my attention that you drew these." The counselor showed Thomas his own drawings.

T. P.'s eyes widened, then the crafty boy regained his confidence. This man was new. It only followed that he could be easily duped.

"I'm sorry," he said, his lip trembling. "It's just that I...I…I feel so alone sometimes. I…I…. I wish I was dead." He burst into tears.

Mr. Greenleaf watched without a word.

"Excuse me."

"Sure."

"Could you have Mr. Grey come to my office?"

"Of course," replied the secretary. She'd do anything for Mr. Greenleaf. He was sooooo cute.

"Thank you." He retreated into his office.

"Aah, yes, Mr. Schwartz, where were we?"

Tom surveyed this new counselor once more. For the first time, he noticed Mr. Greenleaf's clothes. He wore jeans, and green shirt, and high-tops. Clothes like any high school student's in fact. He didn't look older than a senior. T. P.'s own age, actually, yet there was a hidden power, a hidden menace, to him. Thomas's faith in his ability to con even the strongest-willed of teachers failed him then. Mr. Greenleaf was not so naïve as he first looked.

Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. Mr. Greenleaf whirled and went to open it. As he did so, in strode an old man. His hair and beard were long and grey, and her wore a well-tailored suit.

"Aah," he said, "Having problems, my friend?"

"T. P., go back to class," Mr. Greenleaf told the senior dismissively.

Tom complied hastily, fearing this wasn't the end of the trip to the counselor's office. He was right. It wasn't.


	2. In Which Someone has a Flashback

MeraSparrow – Thanks for reviewing. Does the fact that I'm updating make you any happier? I'm sure we all know who 'Mr. Greenleaf' is.

**Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR. Some people wouldn't let me buy it for $10. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.**

Mr. Greenleaf waited until Thomas vanished from view, then shut the door and leaned back against it, sighing. He massaged his forehead.

"Having a good first day, Legolas?"

"Not so pleasurable. You, Gandalf?"

"My goodness!" exclaimed the principal, stomping around the room. "The trouble high-schoolers get into! You'd be surprised."

"You know nothing of their emotional traumas. Illuvatar, some have even," he shivered and swallowed tentatively, "discussed their periods. With me. A male!" He looked sick. "You have no idea how disgusting it is to hear a sixteen-year-old girl go into graphic detail about how her period started, and her underpants are stained, and ……….."

"Enough! Enough!" interjected the old man. "Must you tell me? I don't want to know!"

"How do you think I feel?" asked Legolas. He was hysterical. "I honestly feel like throwing up."

"I would not advise it. It would make a mess. You just cleaned this place up."

"True," Legolas sighed. "How are the others doing?"

"I really have no idea," said Gandalf, "but I'll send for them."

He walked out and spoke to the secretary, then came back in.

"Could Fred Baggins, Merry Brandybuck, Pip Took, Mr. Gamgee, Mr. Ranger, and Mr. Longbeard come to the office, please?" came a voice over the intercom.

"Fred?" winced Legolas. "Fred?"

"Hush," commanded Gandalf. "You can tease him soon enough. Ah! Here they come!"

The door opened, and six other people filed in. Well, five did. The sixth had to be coaxed, cajoled, and, when all else failed, carried in.

"Fred doesn't appreciate this," said Merry. He was dressed as a student. So were Frodo and Pippin. Sam bustled in wearing an apron, causing Legolas to choke with suppressed laughter. Aragorn (Mr. Ranger) came in wearing sweat pants, sneakers, and a "Go Anacondas!" t-shirt. Gimli wore leather gloves and goggles.

"How's coaching?"

"Fine," answered Aragorn. His grin failed, and he said, "Oh, terrible. Those kids are sooooooooo impudent."

"The shop class is ok," interrupted Gimli.

"Home Ec. is fun!" giggled Sam. Merry looked disgusted.

"You prissy-boy hobbit!" he muttered under his breath.

"You're a teacher?" questioned Pippin.

"Yes," said Sam shortly.

"Calm down, you fools of hobbits," Gandalf ordered. He was not in a patient mood.

"Relax, Gandy," Aragorn warned, "or you'll explode."

Legolas and Gimli exchanged glances and watched Gandalf interestedly.

"I hope he does," murmured Gimli to Legolas.

"No, you don't. It would be really, really messy. Trust me on this one," Legolas replied softly.

His eyes met Gimli's, and they struggled to keep from laughing. The wizard smoldered.

"Hey, um, Legolas?"

"Yes, Meriadoc?"

The hobbit winced and spoke, "Can I talk to you alone for a sec?"

"Sure."

" I have to get back to my classes," said Aragorn.

"Yeah, me too," said the others.

After they all had left, Legolas turned to Merry.

"It's about Frodo," merry began.

"Yes?"

"He's not fitting in – adjusting – well. We should have listened to the Valar."

"Probably," mused Legolas. The Valar had sent the Fellowship to the twenty-first century to get Frodo mental help. TO be exact, they wanted him put in a center for mentally dysfunctional people. To be blunt, in an insane asylum. As soon as Frodo had reached the Lonely Isle, they realized this. When the spirits of the other members of the Fellowship entered the halls of Mandos or came to Tol Eressea, they were detained and taken to Valinor. The moment Legolas and Gimli, last of the Fellowship to leave Middle-earth, touched the shores of Tol Eressea, Ulmo came and whisked them to Valinor and the halls of Manwe.

_(Flashback)_

"Take him!" commanded Aule, pointing at Frodo.

"But, but, but," stammered Legolas. He wanted some peace. Being with four hobbits, all looking as young as the day he'd first me them, was not his idea of relaxation. He turned to Varda, looking for some support, but the lady just shook her head. A pair of hands took his shoulders and shook them. The elf saw Aragorn, no older than twenty-five.

"It won't be so bad," the man said. "It is good to see you."

"I agree with Aragorn," Boromir put in. He too was younger, more handsome. "You'll have us along. How bad could it be?"

Legolas shuddered. If Boromir was going …. He did not let himself finish the thought. _It won't be too bad. Calm down. _ The elf tried to force himself to relax, but did not entirely succeed.

Aule smiled at the sight of Gimli.

"So," asked Gandalf, "when do we leave?"

"We?" queried Frodo. "Oh, no, you aren't coming with me. It's mine, my own, my precious. Precious!"

Understanding of how tedious is would be finally hit Legolas full on. Overwhelmed, the elf stepped back from it all.

"No, no, no," he said. "I don't think I should go. Do you? I mean, really, come on." He backed away slowly.

He got no further. Tulkas stuck out a foot, and Legolas tripped . The elf hit his head hard on the stone floor and did not get up. He did not get up. He was unconscious.

"Well," drawled Aragorn, "that settles that."


	3. In Which People Must Stay After School

**Emily – yes, poor, poor Legolas.**

**Ames – Finally, I'm updating!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to MeraSparrow for constantly urging me to update.**

_

* * *

Yes, Legolas reflected. __Ever since that day,my life has been a total mess._ Turning his thoughts back to Merry, the elf spoke.Legolas reflected. Turning his thoughts back to Merry, the elf spoke. 

"You're right. We'll take him tonight."

"Good. I'll go back to class, then."

"Bye," said the wood elf absentmindedly.

"Yeah. See ya!" called Merry as he left.

Legolas shook his head sadly, and then followed him out the door.

"Hey, um, can you get me a phone book?" he asked the secretary.

"Sure, Mr. Greenleaf," she tittered. Within minutes, he had one.

Rifling through its yellow pages for "mental care", Legolas wondered who had come up with phone books. He didn't know who had, but was extremely grateful.

"Ah, here we go,' he muttered to himself. "Let's start with Adam's Home for People Who Have Lost Their Marbles." Chuckling softly at the name, the elf picked up a phone and began to press numbers.

At three o'clock exactly, the Fellowship ran for the doors. Well, Pippin, Merry, and Frodo did. The others walked quickly.

"Um, Mr. Greenleaf?" asked the secretary. "You do know that teachers stay until 4:30, don't you?"

"I do now," replied the elf. "Have Mr. Ranger come up to the office, please."

"Mr. Ranger," her voice rang out over the intercom, "please come to the office."

A little while later, Aragorn strode into Legolas's office.

"She said you wanted me. What for?" he queried.

"Could you go out to the cars and bring everyone in?" Legolas requested. "We can't leave until 4:30."

Aragorn nodded briskly, then left. Legolas was being commanding, but that was fine. In the months after his death and before Legolas had come to Tol Eressea, they had all realized how much the elf was needed. He could soothe tempers and seemed to have unending patience. Aragorn hopped down a flight of stairs and walked out the front doors and into the sun. Sure enough, most of the Fellowship was crowding around Legolas's green mustang (a gift from the Valar) and Gandalf's silver SUV (another gift).

"Oh, there you are!" they exclaimed upon seeing Aragorn. "Get Legolas, and let's go!"

"Sorry," said the Ranger. He really was. "We have to stay here until 4:30."

"Ugh," complained the others, but they followed him inside all the same. It was almost impossible to refuse Aragorn anything.

They trooped into Legolas's office, looking weary. The elf looked up.

"Sam, Gimli, Aragorn, you need to go back to your classrooms. Merry, Pippin, Frodo, you may stay in either my office or Gandalf's. It's up to you."

"We'll stay here," answered Merry quickly.

"Sounds good to me," piped up Pippin. "I want to see the looks on the female teachers' faces when they see Legolas."

"Fine with me. Legolas never tried to take my Precious." This came from Frodo.

Legolas shook his head. If Frodo had been like this all day… It was best not to dwell on it.

Someone knocked rather tentatively on the door.

"Come in," sighed Legolas, leaning back in his chair.

The door opened, and Jayde entered. Her eyes widened at the sight of the hobbits. She, of course, thought they were just children.

"Mr. – oh! You aren't Mr. Brown, are you?" she asked, startled.

"No. I'm the new counselor, Mr. Greenleaf," replied Legolas.

"Jayde Javenson," said Jayde, extending her hand. "I'm the band director."

"Put me in band," whispered Merry to Pippin.

"Mmhmm." Pippin nodded.

"What did you come to see me about?" Legolas asked.

"Oh, yes. It's about T. P. Schwartz. He's the boy I sent to see you."

"Ah. I see.'

"I need advice about a tender topic."

"Fred, Merry, Pip, go to Mr. Grey's office."

"Ok,' said Merry. "Come on guys." The three got to their feet and left.

"It's like this," began Jayde. "T. P. has a crush on me, and because of that …." She told Legolas the whole sad story.

"Hmm. That is a problem," the wood elf commented.

"You have no idea," Miss Javenson went on. "He always undermines my authority in front of the band. He's been demoted to last chair because of it."

"Yes. Well, thank you for coming to see me about it," said Legolas.

Jayde got up and smiled at him.

"Thanks for listening," she told him before she walked out the door. As soon as she was gone, the three hobbits filed in.

"Man, she's a babe!" exclaimed Pippin. He had picked up on teenage culture very quickly.

"Yeah," Merry glanced at the clock. "Legolas, it's 4:45. Can we please go now?"

"Of course. Let's go out to the cars."

"Last one there's a rotting Uruk-hai carcass!" yelled Merry, and the hobbits were off.

Legolas laughed silently, then followed.


	4. In Which A House is Met With Disbelief

**Em – ages have passed, and still you haven't told me. Why? **

**Ames – you aren't the only one. **

**Alasse Irena – Again, you aren't the only one. **

**Disclaimer: I own naught, save one psycho bandie and one band director. That' **

* * *

"This is where we live?" asked Gimli incredulously.

"It's the best I could afford," answered Boromir in a huff as he came out of their new house. It was a two-story yellow brick building. Its front and back yards were large and weedy. Both were surrounded by a seven-foot-tall wooden fence. The house had several windows.

"It isn't pretty," observed Aragorn. The Three Hunters clambered out of Legolas's mustang and investigated their new house.

"Where's Gandy and the hobbits?" Boromir queried.

"They went to buy groceries," replied Aragorn.

"Oh, I bought lots," said Boromir worriedly.

"Yeah, but there are nine of us." This was from Gimli. "All of us – except Legolas – eat bunches, so you might not have bought enough."

"True. Well, why don't you come inside? Please don't get your hopes up too high. We didn't have all that much money."

Legolas examined him carefully. Boromir's dark hair was long and perfectly framed his angular features. He wore jeans, a black leather jacket, and boots. Although Boromir looked cool, he sounded apprehensive.

The house was much nicer inside than out. It had three bedrooms, four bathrooms, a large kitchen, and two big living rooms. In one bedroom, two bunk beds were set up against opposite walls. It was for the hobbits. Another room had two beds; this was to be Gandalf's and Gimli's. The third had one bunk bed and one regular bed. It was to be shared by Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir.

"Could use some paint," remarked Gimli after a complete tour.

"We can fix that," put in Legolas. "Come, Boromir. Take us to the ktchen. Someone ought to make dinner."

"Good idea," said Aragorn. "I'm hungry."

So, they went downstairs to the ktchen.

"I'm reconsidering Sam as a teacher," Legolas told the other. "He should take care of the house. Boromir, could you teach home-ec?"

"No."

"Then you can be vice principal. The current one loves knitting and pies."

The others shuddered.

"Scary," commented Aragorn.

"Yes, and we need a replacement. How 'bout it, Boromir?"

"Oh, all right. I suppose it can't hurt."

"Good," Legolas went on, "and who volunteers to help me paint the house this weekend?"

"I will," said Aragorn. "It's such an eyesore."

"Count me in."

"I'll help ye, laddie."

"Thanks. Now, who wants what for dinner?"

**

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A/N: Short chappy, I know, but with more reviews and urges to update, who knows? It could get a lot bigger. But meanwhile, as I have no idea what to do with this story, updates shall most likely be few and far between. Review or PM me if you've got suggestions for this tale.**


	5. In Which Boromir Forges Documents

**Kay – You shall have to wait no longer.**

**Ames – I'm updating! And I do know exactly where this story's going to go. It's already finished in my notebook. I understand the having so many ideas of new stories.**

**Liv – I hold to the opinion that you are meaner to Legolas than I. Way meaner.**

**Disclaimer: TOLKIEN OWNS ALL! I just borrow it, mess it up, and return it.**

* * *

By the time the hobbits and Gandalf reached the house, puttenesca sauce was bubbling away on the stove, Boromir was draining the pasta, and Gimli and Aragorn kept peeking at the simmering strawberry pie in the oven. 

"Hey!" called Merry as he walked into the kitchen. "Since when could any of you guys cook?"

"Living a life in the wilderness teaches you many things," replied Aragorn.

"Someone in your company has to cook," put in Boromir.

"All dwarves cook sometimes," said Gimli.

They all looked at Legolas who was reading a cookbook.

"How hard could it have been? I mean, after all, all you have to do is read and follow instructions."

They just viewed him with disgust.

"Elves," muttered Merry. "You do everything perfect."

He shrugged. "Oh, well. I wonder if you'll be saying that when you eat my pie."

"Touche," murmured Aragorn.

"All right, all right. It does smell pretty good."

"Great, food!" yelled Pippin.

"Where are the groceries?" asked Boromir.

"We didn't buy any," answered Pippin unconcernedly. "We couldn't decide on what we wanted."

Aragorn smiled. "Call everyone down. It's dinnertime!"

"Ouch. Bad movie quote," commented Pippin.

"What? Oh, never mind. Just get everyone down to dinner!" the Ranger yelled.

* * *

"Sam," said Legolas tentatively as they ate, "would you be okay staying here with Frodo all day until we get home? Not teaching?" 

"Mmph." The hobbit was eating.

"I'll take that as a yes," the elf went on.

"Yay!" exclaimed Frodo exuberantly, getting out of his chair and dancing around the room. "I don't have to go to school!"

By Thursday morning, Merry and Pippin were totally immersed in pop culture, Aragorn's athletic teams were doing better, and Legolas had had several more heart to hearts with Jayde. He felt sorry for her, but knew better than to let pity show in his eyes. That would just annoy her. He knew she didn't want pity. Jayde wanted advice on how to deal with T.P. Most of all, she needed someone to talk to. So did Legolas.

She laughed at his discomfort being school counselor.

"Get over it," the band director advised. "I did."

"You were a school counselor?" he asked, shocked.

"I meant being a teacher."

"Oh, right."

As could be expected, T.P. found out. He was furious.

"That interloper!" he fumed silently to himself. "He's only been here four days, and already he's making moves on my woman!" Legolas became the object of his revenge. Knowing Merry was close to the school counselor, he became the hobbit's friend.

And so it was that at 3:00 when school let out, Merry and T.P. raced to the elf's office.

"Mr. Greenleaf, can T.P. spend the night?" begged Merry.

"Well, I don't see why not," replied Legolas. "If the others agree…" His voice trailed off and he examined T.P. closely. The senior tried his best to look innocent, but he wasn't sure he fooled the elf.

"Thanks, L!" called Merry, running off with T.P.

Legolas was worried, for as they left he heard T.P. asking, "What's up with your family? It's weird."

They would have to make up a cover story. Nine males living in a three-bedroom house. It would weird people out.

"Send for Mr. Ranger, Mr. Grey, Mr. Door, and Mr. Longbeard," he told the secretary.

When the bemused members of the Fellowship had crowded into the elf's office, he spoke, "Merry has a friend who wants to spend the night."

"Uh oh," muttered Boromir.

"What are we going to do, then?" asked Gimli.

"Say Merry, Frodo, Pippin, and Sam are orphans. Legolas adopted them, and Boromir and I are his half-brothers. Gimli is a cousin, and Gandalf's our great-uncle. He can sleep in one of the living rooms with Merry," Aragorn suggested. "What do you think?"

"Good plan," counseled the wizard. "I like it. We'll need several documents, though."

"Leave that to me," Boromir smiled.

Legolas and Gimli exchanged glances that plainly meant, "Oh, dear!"

By the next day, Boromir had written all the necessary papers. Legolas left the school at 2:30, saying he'd be back at 3:00 to pick up the boys. In truth, he wanted to warn Sam and Frodo and tell them to behave normally.

"I will be bringing a stranger home. Act normally, if you can."

They nodded, so he got in his car and cruised back to the school, the dread in his heart building with every block.

At first, the elf's fears seemed to have no foundation. Merry and T.P. ate the homemade pizza Legolas had made with relish. They watched movies and talked. That was when the trouble began. T.P was very inquisitive about Merry's "family".

"I'm worried," Legolas whispered to Gimli.

"So am I. Let's just be glad he hasn't had any ale, beer, wine, or such for two weeks."

"Yes." There was no alcohol in Valinor.

Finally, the boys went to sleep. Merry had dodged all of T.P.'s questions successfully. The senior saxophone player went home the next day very disappointed indeed.

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**A/N: To amend what I said last chapter, I have figured out where this story's going. In fact, it's already finished in my notebook. I just have to type everything up. So, there should be about three more chapters. Maybe an afterword. I'm not sure. But definitely three more chappies!**

**Don't forget to review!**

**Authoressinhiding :)**

**P.S. You know you want to. That purple/blue/gray button is calling your name. PRESS IT! **


	6. In Which An Old Comrade Surfaces

**Ames – I don't know. Ask my plot bunnies. Not me. They're the ones who have come up with this whole thing.**

**Elvin BlueEyes – I know, I know. I'm a great comedic writer. Stop with the flattery already.**

**Emizee – BECAUSE he wants to figure out what the Fellowship is up to. He doesn't know who they are, but he's suspicious. Honestly, must I spell everything out for ye?**

**Liv – Aye. AYE! **

**Kay – Hate to tell ye this, mate, but you're already insane.**

**Disclaimer: I own zip, the evil people who own Tolkien's estate own all.**

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Months passed, and soon it was September again. T.P.'s grades had fallen so low he had to repeat his senior year. That was fine with him; it meant more Jayde. Unfortunately for him, however, she had started dating "Mr. Greenleaf" over the summer. 

"Well, well, well. Legolas is whistling," said Aragorn as the elf entered their bedroom. It was late at night, but neither of the men was asleep. The elf broke off mid-tune and looked around for an exit. Too late. Boromir was already leaning against the door, and Aragorn had locked all the windows. They advanced on the elf.

Suddenly Aragorn yelled, "Tackle him!"

Boromir did so. Legolas fell to the floor, the wind knocked out of him. Boromir picked the elf up with Aragorn's help and carried him over to a chair in the middle of the room. After slamming the wood-elf into it, the Captain of Gondor held him there while Aragorn pulled a roll of duct tape from his jacket pocket. Rip! Rip! They bound Legolas's legs together and taped his arms and waist to the chair. The elf looked at them with cold fury in his eyes.

"Let me go, filth," he spat. The elf drew his knees up to his chest. His eyes were unfocused. They just came closer, worried now. Was Legolas having mental problems? Had Boromir tackled him too hard? The elf snapped out of it, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I had a bad flashback. When I was a young elfling, no more than ten. I was walking in the forest alone. The spiders caught me. I was found before they killed me, but seven hours hanging upside down with spider venom in your veins is not an easily forgettable experience."

"No, it is us who should be sorry," apologized Boromir.

"It's all right. Now, why did you tape me to a chair again?" the elf asked, smiling.

"Um, well, um, that's a good question," Aragorn mumbled.

Boromir got to the point. "How was your date?"

"Fine. Jayde is very nice."

"Wish I could've gone instead of you," moaned Aragorn.

"No, you don't," said Legolas. They had untapped him, and the elf was peering out the window.

"Yes, I do," continued Aragorn. "Jayde is lovely."

"No, you really don't," Legolas went on.

"Why?"

"Because Arwen's here."

The men rushed to the windows. It was true. Even in the dark, Undomiel's pale skin glowed. Her lovely face was crumpled into a frown.

"Uh oh," whispered Boromir.

"What time is it exactly?" asked Aragorn.

"Midnight," answered Legolas. "Why do you want to know?"

'It's true, then," sighed the Ranger. "My dreams will haunt me forever."

"Evenstar's no dream," commented Legolas.

"She was mine. For years." The Ranger looked stricken and crumpled to the floor, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth. "I can't take it. Legolas, help! I can't take it!"

Just then, the doorbell rang.

"I'll go answer it," said Boromir, plainly anxious to get away.

"All right. But don't let Arwen up here. Aragorn can't handle it."

Boromir looked down at the man on the floor and nodded. "Righto. I'll get her settled on the couch." He left.

Legolas sighed deeply and gathered the shaking Aragorn into his arms. When would the man realize that Arwen had to be pampered and complimented every minute? Perhaps never. The wood-elf sighed again. It was hard enough to help keep the Fellowship out of bankruptcy. Their budget simply could not handle Arwen's expensive tastes. He could not let her stay. She would probably spend a whole year of a teacher's wages in one shopping trip. And Aragorn became a nervous wreck every time her saw her.

Speaking of Aragorn, the ranger was now breathing deeply. He had fallen asleep! Legolas smiled and stood up. With a grunt of effort, he picked Aragorn up and put him on the lower bunk bed. Legolas tiptoed to the stairs to see what was going on with Boromir and Arwen. As the elf descended gracefully, he passed Boromir going up. The man looked harried.

"She has gone to stay at a hotel," he told Legolas grimly. "We'll have to pay the bill, and she'll be over here at 10:00 to see her 'lovey-dovey Aragorn'."

"Poor thing. It makes me glad we have school tomorrow. Come on," the elf yawned, "let's go to bed."

The man agreed, and they trooped on up to their room.

"'Night," called Boromir as he climbed to the top bunk.

"And to you as well," replied Legolas, already stretched out across the only single bed.

Boromir turned to look at the elf. He felt sorry for Legolas. The wood-elf had been bearing the burden of the Fellowship for a long time. Boromir remembered the day he had been drafted by the Valar. He had been enjoying the halls of Mandos; they were more peaceful than Gondor. Or, they were, until his father came. That had been a problem.

"Boromir, son of Denethor?" a Maiar had asked him.

"Yes?" was the tentative reply.

"You're wanted in Valinor."

That event had signaled the end of Boromir's enjoyment. Since then, he'd had to baby-sit Frodo, taking over from a very frazzled Elrond.

"You take him!" the elf had yelled, almost crying.

Boromir let out a cavernous yawn. And with that, he fell asleep.

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**Author's Note: Updates may become few and far between. Standardized tests are coming up next week, and I have to take the ACT tomorrow. Wish me luck!**

**Authoressinhiding :)**

**P.S. DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW! **


	7. In Which Aragorn Escapes His Wife

**Emily – Sorry 'bout that. I went back and fixed it.**

**Ames – Don't remember for that day, but I'm out to break my record today… if only NMPD would cooperate.**

**Elvin BlueEyes – I thanks you.**

**Kay – Yes, you're insane. Yes, you can't shut up.**

**Liv – My angst fic didn't go down too well. Oh, well. It was but my first essay in the craft. I think I do humor better.**

**Disclaimer: All that was once good in this world has gone, and Tolkien owns all LOTR. Even Legolas! NOT FAIR!**

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The next morning Boromir woke the Fellowship bright and early. Well, not really bright; it was pitch black outside.

"Why do we have to get up so early?" Pippin asked blearily.

"Arwen's in town," replied Gandalf shortly. The Evenstar had been the main reason he had left Middle-earth, never to return. The feeling of peril helped the wizard overcome his exhaustion; his new job as principal led Gandalf to read law and punishment books late into the night. Once fully awake, Gandalf became his old self again. When the wizard was sleepy, he wasn't worth much at all.

By 7:30, all nine were piled into the cars. Gandalf was going to drop Sam and Frodo off at the town library on the way. Vroom! Vroom! They sped down the highway, hoping beyond hope Arwen wouldn't come find them. If she could, she would. The elleth turned mortal woman was VERY determined.

At 10:10 to be exact, Arwen strode briskly into Legolas's office.

"Where is he?" she demanded.

"Who he?" asked Legolas, pretending he had no idea who she was talking about.

"You know exactly who I mean. Where is my husband? Go get Aragorn." She settled down in a chair as if she owned the place.

Legolas protested while silently sending a message to Gandalf. The only good thing about Arwen's marriage to Aragorn was that, as a mortal woman, she could no longer speak or hear by thoughts.

In his office, Gandalf stood up and sneaked down to the gym.

"Mr. Ranger!" he called.

Aragorn came out, trailed by the basketball team.

"Yes, Mr. Grey?" he asked curiously.

"She. Is. Here," the wizard said slowly and clearly.

"No!" The man was horrorstruck. "Team, go back to the gym."

Once they had left, he turned back to Gandalf.

"Surely not!"

"I am afraid so. I'll be going back now. Here is a key to the Mustang. Legolas won't mind if you drive home early. He can obtain a ride with me."

"Or Jayde," the Ranger whispered under his breath.

"Yes, well, he'll definitely get a ride home. Take the Mustang and go!"

Aragorn needed no further urging. He slipped out a side door and raced out to the Mustang. He unlocked it, jammed the key in the ignition, and tore, tires squealing, out of the parking lot.

Relieved, Gandalf walked back to his office.

_All's clear, _he thought to Legolas. _Aragorn is gone._

Back in his office, the elf smiled at Arwen.

"Like I said earlier, my lady, Aragorn is not here," he told the irate woman.

She glared at him. "Then where is he?"

"I don't know," Legolas replied truthfully. "But of this I am sure. Your once-husband is not here."

Arwen glared at him again. "Be sure of it, Thranduilion, I will find him. And when I do, you will both be sorry."

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**Author's Note: Sorry for the shortness. Enjoy it! Only one or two chapters left! R&R, please.**


	8. In Which The Heroes Go Home

**Disclaimer: Once again, Tolkien owns all, AiH owns nothing.**

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She flounced out of the office, leaving Legolas behind her to think "Good riddance!"

Unfortunately for him, as she left the main offices, she bumped into someone. Thomas Payne Schwartz stared open-mouthed at the vision of loveliness and womanhood before him.

"Who are you?" he choked out.

Arwen spared him one withering glance. "I am Queen Arwen of Gondor," she said archly.

"That's not possible," T.P. blurted. "She's a book character. You're real."

"Not possible?" Arwen mused in a dangerous tone. "Are you sure?"

"No," said the boy, recoiling from her cold glare. "I mean, no, milady. Is there something wrong? Can I help you with anything?"

Arwen smiled. "As a matter of fact, yes. Come with me."

They ducked into the library and hid amongst the shelves. Arwen told T.P. her long story, and T.P. told her his. They plotted, and Thomas showed Arwen all the Tolkien books their library had.

That afternoon, Legolas did catdcdh a ride home with Jayde. She wanted to take him riverrafting. The elf said no.

"I've got lots to do," he told her. "We're cleaning out our house."

"Can't someone else do that?" Jayde asked with a gleam in her eye.

"No," the elf replied sadly. "I think I'm the most responsible one around here."

"Okay," she sighed and accepted his declination.

"Where's Aragorn?" Legolas asked Sam as he entered the house.

"Hiding under your bed," said the hobbit, deadpan.

"Thank you."

Legolas groaned. It would take a long time to get Aragorn out. Perhaps if Sam had been baking.

"Sam," he asked suddenly, "do we have any cheesecake?"

"Yup. I bought some chocolate last night, remember?"

"I do now. Cut a big slice and bring it up to my room, ok?"

"Whatever. It'll be a second, though."

Legolas continued to trudge up the stairs. As usual, Boromir was sitting on the top bunk, throwing a foosball through a net.

"Under there." He pointed beneath Legolas's bed as the foosball almost hit the elf's ear. "Sorry about that."

"It's fine, it's fine," Legolas replied absently. "Aragorn, mellon nin," he crouched down by his bed, "come on out. She isn't here, Aragorn. Estel, come on out. You can do it. Come on, come on. Arwen is far away." The elf took the cheescake a puffing Sam was offering. "Look, Aragorn!" his voice took on a wheedling tone. "Chocolate cheescake. You love chocolate cheesecake. Come out, or I'll eat it myself."

That did the trick. Aragorn popped out, snatched the plate, and retreated to his own bed, guarding the dessert with his life.

"My cheesecake," he growled. "My cheesecake."

Legolas got up, sighing. "Thank you, Sam."

"You know what's odd?" commented Boromir, getting up to retrieve his foosball. "We only usually have to use cheesecake on Frodo. Have you found a mental home for him yet?"

"No," Legolas groaned. "No one will take him. I can't for the life of me see why."

"I can."

"Boromir!" exclaimed Sam. "Master Frodo is – "

"Psychopathic," said the Gondorian between coughs.

"He is not!"

"Is too!"

"It's so nice to have a happy family."

"Legolas!"

'What?"

Boromir shook his head. "Stop scaring me. Honestly, sometimes you are worse than Frodo."

"No won's wouse wan Fwodo," said Aragorn through a mouthful of cheesecake.

"Hey!" yelled Sam.

And the argument began all over again.

The next day at school, the morning announcements were disrupted.

"Hello!" came a voice. "This is Thomas Schwartz with a few words of truthiness. Some of our teachers and students are not who they seem to be. Mr. Grey is Gandalf the grey. Mr. Greenleaf is Legolas Greenleaf."

"Legolas Thranduilion," mouthed the elf, staring up at the speaker with horror.

"Merry Brandybuck is Meriadoc Brandybuck. Pip Took is Peregrin Took. Mr. Ranger is Aragorn the Ranger. Mr. Longbeard is Gimli son of Gloin. And, last but not least, Mr. Door is Boromir, dead Captain of Gondor."

Wherever in the school they were, the members of the Fellowship winced. Their cover had been blown. Other students and faculty members began to surround them, asking questions and invading their bubbles. Only the Valar could help them now.

They rose to the occasion. A huge wind blew through the high school and surrounding city. It lifted Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas, Gandalf, Merry, Gimli, and Pippin and swept Frodo and Sam up into the air. The wind also picked up all trace of the Fellowship's existence and carried it off to Valinor.

"Well?" asked Gandalf when all nine of them had come to. "What is it?'

"We," Manwë glanced around the room full or Valar, "have decided that, well, one of our therapists in Valinor would be much better for Frodo's sanity. And everyone else's," he added as an afterthought.

"So we don't have to go back?" asked Boromir.

"No," Varda smiled. "You don't. And Arwen will be giving a restraining order."

Aragorn got down on his hands and knees. "Thank you!" he cried ecstatically. "Thank you!"

Legolas smiled. Everything would be all right.

Meanwhile, back at John Phillips Sousa High, everyone shook themselves and went back to business, wondering why on earth they'd been so excited.

THE END

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**Author's Note: Well, it's over. I hope you all liked it and enjoyed the ending. Don't forget to review and tell me what you think!**

**AiH :D**


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